Written by Warren G Order (Copyright 2003), Original Boschoslovakian Background by Matt Wylam*
These events are partially factual and mostly fictional, covering a single day of airsofting on the S.E.A.S site near Bewl Water, England.
Day 169: The Soldier’s Scream
Its early morning and already the day has gone bad, the pig-dog Boschoslovakian Militia sneaked into our proud people’s banana plantation and stole half of this year’s banana crop. Five thousand bananas, they didn’t even have the decency to shoot guards as they left you just can’t trust these men of the mountains they are all alike, no guts at all.
The People’s Front will be bring victory and crush the mountain militia beneath our boots that much is our destiny!
And just when I thought the day couldn’t get any worse the western scum of the United Peace Force (there’s an oxymoron for you) broke into my HQ and took me hostage. The capitalistic lowlife threw me handcuffed into a truck and as I rolled over I saw to my intense horror that the evil pig-dog militia CO was lying next to me. I knew these mountain militia stank but the vile smell which assaulted my senses made me gag uncontrollably. Just at that moment two UPF men jumped into the truck, one said to the other "Hey Andy did yer leave your lunch in here again it stinks something rotten in here." Whereupon the other man who looked liked he could wrestle a bear leaned across me and picked up something from behind my head, as it passed back across me I saw that it was a dead banana monkey with its guts hanging out. Its blood was still dripping and was it dripping onto to me. The banana monkey is our holy totem animal and I then made an oath that the UPF would definitely feel the boot of my brothers in arms.
Time passed in this smelly dank truck…
An explosion rocked the truck, it bounced into the air and I immediately knew my brothers had come to rescue me. The explosion was loud indeed because when I looked out of the overturned truck there was much activity and yet I could not hear anything. Two more UPF men came bent down into the truck and pulled me and the other CO out of truck, whereupon they handcuffed us both together and marched us into the middle of one of the many rope bridges which cross the gorges of our glorious homeland that is Boschoslovakian. They then made us sit down back to back and told us not to move, they then backed off.
That idiot of Militia tried to get up straight away as soon as they were out of sight, of course the rope bridge swayed dangerously sideways and I told him not to be so stupid. My brothers would be here soon and he would be my prisoner.
The sun was slowly climbing into the sky its heat beating down on my face; the sweat was trickling down my face and stinging my eyes. I cursed my luck for having to face directly east and by my dead reckoning it could only of been 09:00hrs, where were my brothers?
My sight was becoming blurred, as a figure appeared directly in front of me moving fast but just as he was within arms reach a hail of gunfire exploded across the gorge and my saviour was caught high and low lifting him off his feet and sending him flying over the bridge into a glorious death at the bottom of the gorge three feet down. As was I reeling from this failure I felt the swaying of the bridge and I heard my opposite number muttering "That’s it chaps, just a little further and we can escape these dogs." I tried to look behind but I could not see anything and then two more of my brave brothers appeared at the end of the bridge but even before they could step out onto the bridge they were gunned down. My moral at that point was low indeed as the bridge swayed again and I felt slightly seasick.
It was then that I realised that the filthy militia was crawling underneath the bridge to save their leader. At first I thought this incredibly heroic until I realised that it typically sneaky of the militia to do such an underhanded thing. Next I felt my handcuffs come free unbelievably the militia had let me go first though I suspect it was their mistake. I rolled immediately off the bridge and hung desperately on until I reached the other side some two feet away. Crawling into the bushes I found the rest of my band debating what to do.
The journey back to the banana plantation was uneventful and when I reached HQ my officers and I had what is the only redeeming feature of the western world: Tea and Cream Cakes.
Tomorrow is another day is which we the Boschoslovakian Peoples Front is united against the pig-dogs that try to take our yellow riches away from us.
Day 170: Soldier’s Scream
The people’s moral is much better today because during the night I had a shattering idea, which would stop those filthy militia stealing our bananas. Unfortunately due to the low level of schooling in Boschoslavakia (western scum’s fault) our electronics and demolition expert blew his hand off before we got all the problems ironed out. The first thousand bananas are now connected to about four pounds of black powder, admittedly I would have preferred C4 but that western scum would want us to lower our banana prices again. The black powder had to be harvested from the local fireworks factory. Unfortunately it requires someone to set off the charge but my R&D people are looking at this.
My intelligence services have also reported to me that the vile UPF are after my secret dossier, which we successfully captured from the militia earlier this year. I have decided to hide it in plain view next to the booby-trapped bananas.
Having secured the plantation against further attack with some of my crack troops, I now intend to cross the Valley of Death to recover what is rightfully ours from the pig-dog militia in the mountains. I have only one soldier with me since all others are defending the plantation. This soldier is hero material and what’s more he always comes out of a fight with not a hair out of place or even a grain of dirt on his uniform he inspires my troops. Of course I sent him out to scout up front and I followed on behind.
The Valley of Death is rightly named many of the Boschoslovakian people, have died here trying to cross the marshy grounds at the bottom of the valley. This area is treacherous because not only has the marsh swallowed people whole but the area does not have much cover, it would take of all about ten seconds to cross the ground to get to the other side. Ten seconds which a capable sniper can cut you down.
We crossed the marsh uneventfully although I was receiving continuous reports from the plantation that they were currently under attack. I told them to hold them off, but not to kill to many. I wanted the militia’s attention on the plantation while we attacked theirs.
Going up into mountains was a hard slog and we had to keep completely silent so as not to alert our prey. It seemed that everywhere I stepped a loud cracking noise was made while up ahead our hero of the people moved quiet as a mouse. In my hands was my trusty weapon M733 Commando assault rifle, my R&D people had placed a laser on it and told me I couldn’t miss with it. This is of course made feel invincible; well I was the elite commander of the People’s Front!
After what seemed like minutes we found ourselves in a deep trench which ran parallel to the mountain track that goes directly to the Militia base. We could hear the occasional crack of gunfire from the base as the militia tested their weaponry. Moving slowly out of the trench we progressed through lightly spaced trees, which if the sentries were looking the right way would spotted us. We were in luck they didn’t.
When we were within twenty feet of the base the alarm was raised although against the hero of the people the thirty or so militia didn’t stand a chance. I covered him of course though for some reason my laser mounted gun failed to hit all of my targets though I must of scared them to death because my comrade in arms kept shouting at them "Are you dead!" I was even more impressed when he single handily picked up a huge crate of bananas and ran back to my position while I covered him. He had only gone more than about twenty feet when there was a explosion behind the bananas crates and realised that they had stole my idea of booby-trapping the crates. He was untouched not even sweating, I smiled at our glorious victory, and I told him to return to base while I covered his retreat.
As I slowly moved back one of the militia who was obviously playing dead (yet again sneaky to the core) shot towards me fortunately I was just turning away and the bullets only grazed my forearm and thigh although I did appear to be bleeding somewhat. I then beat a hasty retreat.
As I moved back across the valley I picked up reports from the plantation, that the militia had failed in their attacks. I was so proud of my hand picked troops, which defended against a force several times greater than they were.
By the time I arrived back the UPF were attacking again in full force, obviously after my secret dossier.
Through a complex series of events, which I cannot quite remember we repelled the UPF and I ended up with a bleeding nose.
During the fighting some of the bananas were needlessly abused by the enemy. They will pay dearly tomorrow for their sins against the GREAT Boschoslovakian People’s Front.
Day 171: Soldier’s Scream
I met with my R&D team this morning, I gave them my gun and complained that it didn’t hit anything. One of the technicians took it aside fire a round at a dummy’s head on the firing range, the dummy’s ear blew off. The technician muttered something about the laser targeting sensors must be out of alignment although it sounded like nonsense to me. They said it would be ready soon. The head technician wanted to speak to me about the new success they have had with booby-trapped bananas. I immediately warmed to this since it was my idea in the first place. As he talked to me there was some whispering behind me and some laughter, I caught the phrase "…barn door". I turn round and glared at the two technicians one of them still holding my gun, they suddenly found something very interesting on table in front them.
I turned back to head technician and realised that he was the man that blew his hand off the day before, I asked whether the local craftsmen had carved him a new hand yet. Somewhat sheepishly he showed me his left hand. They had indeed carved him a new hand unfortunately our local craftsmen have no imagination, it closely resembled a hand of bananas. Avoiding the subject further I asked about the new development.
They called it a "Pinball" bomb, apparently when it is tilted it goes off. The name made no sense to me, but these technical people always did have a queer sense of humour. He assured me if the militia or the UPF tried to steal our crop again there wouldn’t be enough of them left to put in a body bag.
I left the R&D building with my spirits greatly raised. At this point the militia chose to attack, they were attacking along the pass that leads directly to the plantation. My sharp shooters in the Valley of Death had obviously deterred them attacking across it. Finally we had forced them into a frontal assault, no more of their sneaky tactics which we have come to know well indeed.
Just then a huge explosion knocked me off my feet I looked around to see what had happened but none of my comrades looked harmed. They looked as confuse as I. We looked down the pass and there seemed to be some dust rising about half along the pass. The militia must have blown themselves up; we cheered at their stupidity.
There was a moment of silence like the calm before the storm and then a continuous stream of bullets smashed into our defences. I was standing behind a banana tree, which fortunately for me was taking a lot of fire. Its trunk was peppered with bullets; I felt the tree sway away from me and from above I heard high-pitched screams. On either side of me I heard two thuds, I looked carefully to discover two dead monkeys on the ground beside me. Yet another insult to my people and our cause, if I had my gun I would have run at them headlong screaming "DIE! DIE! DIE!" but fate had decreed that my gun was to be in the shop being repaired. It was then that I noticed a young man in a white jacket crawling towards me, in this hand he held my gun.
Gun in hand I rushed into the fray, everything had appeared to have gone quiet. I looked down the pass the militia was nowhere to be seen. HA! I must of scare them off.
Retiring back to the plantation my troops and I had afternoon tea.
Just after tea my intelligence services reported to me that against all reason a nuclear missile had appeared at the bottom of the gorge approximately half way to the militia base. The militia however had run into the UPF trying to acquire it and was cut to shreds. Two victories for us, they failed to attack us and they failed to get the missile. We didn’t need a missile especially a nuclear one, that type of destruction would destroy our banana crop, we would be defenceless again western scum forever more.
As evening came on an old man with the look of intense pain upon his face came into the plantation and asked to speak to me. He was presented to me as one Rufus of the East, he told me a story that made me laugh so hard that I sputtered baked banana pie over the old man. It was just typical of the sneaky filthy pig-dog militia. I gave the old man some bananas and sent him on his way.
Apparently the militia had placed a booby-trapped cuddly toy on the mountain path leading to their base and a solider of the UPF had picked it up. Parts of the soldier were strewn across the trail; curiosity obviously kills monkey killers. Yet another triumph over the bloody foreigners, which invade our beautiful land.
Long live the People’s Front!
Day 172: Soldier’s Scream
Today was a nightmare even before the sun rose above the horizon; this day will be etched into my memory until my dying day although the end was not totally bad.
It started out with another good idea on my part, my reasoning was thus: Attack the militia exactly the same way across The Valley of Death, except this time with a greater force. The militia would never expect another attack like this again. However before I could put my plan into action, the militia attacked in force along the pass again, I mean where is the sense in that I ask you.
This attack forced me to rethink my plan I modified it by reducing the number of my force to three instead of the thirty I was going to take. It seemed to be the only course of action; I left my officers in command and exited the plantation through the secret entrance, which led directly to into the valley.
Even before we had began to descend into the valley lead shot burst past our heads and we dove for cover. I looked into the dense vegetation below and saw not a thing, I ordered the two troopers with me to advance but they didn’t seem particularly eager to move up. After offering them extra shares in next year’s banana crop they ease out into the open while I looked for the trace of gunfire. They had progressed little more than several feet when they were engulfed in lead. I realised that it was the better part of valour and retreated back to the secret entrance.
I was within several meters of the camouflaged entrance when I found myself looking into what looked like a black and white tiger. My reflexes dulled by the constant pace of the last few days didn’t kick in until it was too late. The tiger emerged out of the undergrowth; it was holding a black gun. I blinked my eyes and saw a man with black stripes across his face; I stepped back right into something sharp in the small of my back. I slowly turned and there was the man who could wrestle a bear I met two days ago in the back of the UPF truck. He grinned at me; I did not feel particularly safe at that moment.
My gun was taken away and placed against a tree; my hands were tied with vines from the banana trees. The tiger wanted to know how we had got so far into the valley unobserved, at least that’s I what I think he said. The westerner’s accent was very thick indeed it was like listening to two different pieces of western "pop" music together. I remained silent, they didn’t seem eager to torture me which was odd because they had just slaughter my two comrades. Just then there was a high pitched chatter in the branches above my head, a banana monkey. The tiger looked at the bear wrestler and winked at him, the tiger then came up to me and put a black cloth bag over my head.
I heard a commotion in the branches above and then the cloth bag was pull back off my head and I saw in front of me the bear wrestler holding a banana monkey in one hand and evil looking knife in the other. The tiger smiled at me and asked the question again, I looked at the monkey and then at the knife. The banana monkeys are an endangered species, more so now since the war started, I did not like my options at all. I gave up I knew that they would trigger the secret alarm anyway so I pointed in the direction of the entrance. The tiger found the entrance quickly enough, they tied my feet together and left me at the entrance, mercifully they let the monkey go.
I laughed silently to myself; they obviously hadn’t read our guidebooks about the banana monkeys. The monkeys like to chew on the vines of the trees and after a bit of coaxing the monkey I had just saved was happily chewing on my bonds, it wouldn’t be long before I would be free again. The soldiers had stupidly left my gun with its clip still in it.
I waited as long as I could before I re-entered the secret tunnel, as I made it to the opening, which led into the plantation I noticed that the alarm had been triggered. I just hoped my comrades responded in time.
Rising directly into the plantation I saw two battles being fought. The militia was pressing forwards along the pass and the UPF soldiers were attacking my forces within the plantation itself. The UPF soldiers appeared to have doubled in number though I didn’t see how; I only saw two of them. Then into all this fighting a tour guide and two Japanese tourists appeared, the fighting immediately stopped since neither side wanted to ruin our thriving tourist industry. The tourists took some pictures and then followed the tour guide back out to the tour buggy which was waiting by the pass. As the buggy disappeared over the horizon the fighting resumed.
I found some of my able fighting men and women and barricaded our selves in the R&D building. Looking out of the windows, I realised the UPF had somehow surrounded us, fortunately the militia didn’t appear to be taking advantage just yet.
It seemed that all was lost until my sharp shooters rose out of the valley and annihilated the UPF soldiers east of the R&D building which I am glad to add included the monkey torturers I met earlier. Yet again justice is served by the Boschoslovakian people, even the UPF soldiers bodies are too vile to be used as compost for our banana crop they will be sent back to the United blah of the west. However I digress we still had UPF soldiers in the plantation to our west. I then proceeded to get my comrades on the roof of the building where had an excellent position against the UPF force. They didn’t last long against our superior position and elevation.
The militia finally gave up their attack and retreated from the pass.
Another day in the struggle for our homeland had past, it seems it will never end. I believe that victory remains in sight and my people will be free from capitalistic swine of the west. They will not dictate our banana prices for much longer.
Day 173: Soldier’s Scream
This morning one of my sharp shooters related a story to me about yesterday, his name is "J" apparently when he was recruited he only knew one letter of alphabet so he got called "J". However I digress, the story he told had me in suspense right to end, I will relate it as best as I can.
When the UPF soldiers broke into the plantation they spread out into an arc trying to surround to my troops. The last UPF soldier to enter the plantation must have been the brother of the bear wrestler at least that is how it looked from the description J gave me. J was just inside the plantation however still in heavy cover he spied the soldier. Now J is the type of sharp shooter that believes in one shot one kill, whereas I believe an explosion will do a similar trick. Whilst staying in cover J tracked the soldier as he made his way further into the plantation, although he had not fired a single shot as yet. To J the sounds of battle diminished somewhat as he zeroed in on the soldier. The UPF man looked unaware of the constant scrutiny he was under. Seconds ticked by slowly and the soldier came slowly into J’s line of fire, a bead of sweat creased J’s eye and he was forced to wipe his face. For moment he thought he had lost his prey but his vision cleared and the soldier was kneeling by a fallen banana tree. J took careful aim and squeezed the trigger; just at that moment he felt his whole body go cold like stone. As he exhaled he could see his breath; the shot rang out its sound echoing back and forth across the valley. Even before the echoes had died away the soldier had done something very curious indeed; in fact it seemed to threaten J’s sanity. J saw the bullet hit him square in the forehead, the soldier’s face looked incredibly pained he shouted "HIT!" and put his hand holding his gun up into the air. J held his breath in confusion for at least a minute and then the soldier looking like a statue fell to the ground.
I was so impressed I broke out the ten-year-old moonshine and got incredibly drunk after the first glass, its very strong stuff. Although I did notice that J drank half a bottle and was not visibly affected, I assumed that he had added some tonic.
Since I was drunk we put the war on hold for a day.
Day 174: Soldier’s Scream
It’s the day before Truce Day. Truce Day being the last day of the war for this year, we send our banana crop to market and we the Boschoslovakian People’s Front would go back to raising another crop for next year. The Boschoslovakian Militia would go back to their Moonshine Stills producing bottles of liquid that is likely to remove your breath forever instead of quenching your thirst. They export the drink to Japan, apparently they like physical abuse to their bodies out there. Having watched some of their television shows I can understand it.
However still one more day of intense fighting to recover our stolen banana crop to go.
Continuing with my original plan I left the plantation in good hands and proceeded across the Valley of Death with two of my officers. This time we had no opposition although there was a constant barrage of gunfire coming from the pass, the pig-dog militia were trying one last ditch effort to overrun the plantation. I was quietly confident because of the booby-trapped bananas, even if they did break through they would be banana-people-pate in a short space of time.
I had radio reports that it appeared that the UPF and militia was working together, I found this very hard to believe but I found comfort in the fact the UPF would go bang at the same time as the militia.
We finally found ourselves in the same trench that ran parallel with the mountain path. This time however a landslide had blocked our path to the south of the militia base which meant we had to cross the mountain path and attack from the north-west. This did not appeal at all; first the path was about three-foot across and then the approach to base from the north-west was very low on cover we would have to crawl across a very open space indeed.
We reached the edge of the path and I looked both ways before crossing nimbly into the undergrowth on the other side, my officers followed. Easing slowly along a small trench we could just make out the top of the militia’s base. I started to crawl out of the trench and towards the only big tree in the open space just then one of my officers, a woman (we are not sexist here in Boschoslavakia) by the name of Di whispered to me that there was movement on the path. I immediately ducked down behind a fallen tree trunk and waited for the soldiers to pass.
After what seemed like hours but could of only have been minutes had past I raised my head again and proceeded to crawl towards my goal. My officers moved north covering my left flank. I had only covered half the distance some sixteen feet when a commotion broke out in base, the cry of "Defensive positions now!" rang out several times. Then out behind the tree I was making for, a soldier stepped out. He looked somewhat surprised to see me there and even more surprised when I shot him down, the soldier’s scream threaten to burst my ear drums and then he fell down the hill towards the base. I got up and ran towards the tree, as I ran I saw past the tree my opposite number kneeling behind a tree. I immediately fired past the tree, just then another soldier oddly similar to first got in the way my aim and at such close range was blown apart by the my river of lead.
I missed my opposite number and found myself against the tree being shot at from two different sides. For some reason my officers had not opened fire to cover me, I can only hope they die honourable deaths. Between the shots fired at me I managed to pick out some details in the militia’s base one of these being half a destroyed banana crate the contents of which was just so much banana pulp. This answered the mystery of the militia suddenly calling defensive positions, they had obviously partially taken the plantation and recovered one of the banana crates which we had booby-trapped. The militia expected an immediate attack from my troops not comprehending the fact that the produce was spoiled beyond repair.
The size of the tree trunk I was hiding behind seemed to be getting smaller by second as the bullets cut through it. One grazed my shoulder another my calf, I looked at the open space behind me and wondered if I could make back to trench. I got down low and then launched myself across the space, landed on my side with an almighty thud, bullets hissing around me, I rolled over and over towards the trench. I thought I was going to make when I felt a slug find its target…
I woke up in the plantation hospital my shoulder covered in bandages, apparently my officers had carried me back.
Day 174: Soldier’s Scream Epilogue
The day was over and so was the war for another year, one last incident before I am finished. I was siting just outside of my HQ drinking tea and eating cake when I was informed two foreigners were requesting to speak to me. A German and Frenchman appeared before me requesting access to the ruins south-west of the plantation they babbled something about archaeological find of the century and the existence of some great treasure hidden in a box or was it an ark. At the mention of treasure I was all ears. It looked like another six months of boring farming was about to be interrupted…
